Love Connections

By Anna Quon

Even before there was public access to the Internet, Anne Abbott was using her computer to meet people online. The Toronto artist, who has cerebral palsy and is non-verbal, used a dial-up bulletin board system (BBS) called Free Access Network (FAN), where she could chat and post messages. FAN was a kind of local, mini-Internet, which Abbott found made it easier to meet people than in person.

“People always judge you by your appearance, but over a BBS you can be yourself,” she says. “People can find out what you're really like.”

Even so, Abbott admits she had a bad experience once when she wasn't up front about having a disability. While chatting to a guy on FAN, she gave out her phone number. “I didn't think he'd phone,” she says. But phone he did, and that's how he discovered Abbott had a disability and was non-verbal. “Basically, he freaked and called me a liar,” she remembers.

Knowing when to disclose your disability while meeting people online can be a difficult decision. It can also be a safety issue. Though the Internet can be a good way for people with disabilities – especially those who have transportation or communication challenges – to meet new people, date and foster intimate relationships, it is more important than ever to use caution and common sense. Whether using an Internet dating site or a chat room, even while e-mailing or playing an online game, it's important to consider your safety first before giving out personal information or agreeing to meet in person.

“What you wouldn't do in real life, you wouldn't do online,” says France Rochon, a thirty-something Montreal woman who manages a website
(http://groups.msn.com/LeMoonshine) for people with and without disabilities on topics around sexuality. In Rochon's opinion you shouldn't, for example, give a real last name or address when first meeting someone through the Internet.

Other online resources advise against using a personal or work-related e-mail address. Consider getting an e-mail account for the sole purpose of Internet dating from a service like Yahoo or Hotmail, or use the kind of web technology that allows you to interact in private chat rooms without using your e-mail. Also be careful about letting slip telling details about your whereabouts, such as that you're looking at the CN Tower.

The website www.disabilities-r-us.com has a Chatroom Safety Guide section that can be useful for those using Internet dating sites. These include guidelines for parents, who are cautioned not to let young children enter the chat room, and to “accompany” older children. It also lists pointers for identifying people who might be sexual predators, such as someone trying to engage you in a private chat immediately, or showing a preoccupation with your disability or highly personal items such as diapers and catheters.

Rochon, who is an amputee of short stature, says she used to wait before disclosing her disability but now she tells people right away. “I can't hide the fact that I'm disabled, and the person at the other end has to be accepting of that,” she says.

She acknowledges that some people are attracted to her because of her disability, and she's even dated a guy who had a fetish. She's written about the phenomenon of “devotees” – people who are attracted to someone because of their disability. Rochon, who considers herself to be “very open-minded,” believes that having an attraction to an amputated limb is like being attracted to blonde hair or blue eyes. “I think we all have our preferences,” she says. “You have to be aware that it exists. If a person is only into your hair or your amputated limb and if they're not into your whole you, that becomes a bit unhealthy.”

Rochon likes to meet people through dating sites because she can read profiles of people and see their photos before deciding to contact them. But she admits that the advantage of being able to meet people from far away using the Internet can also be a problem. “You sometimes feel very connected and very close,” she says, to someone who lives in another country, but carrying on a long-distance relationship can be difficult. Despite this, her first “real relationship” was with someone from another country, and it helped her realize that despite her disability, she was a woman first and people could be physically attracted to her.

Brent Lucas, a wheelchair user in London, Ontario, also prefers meeting people through Internet dating sites because many of them offer an instant messaging service that allows you to chat with someone when you're both online. But Ed Barnes, a blind 25-year-old in St. John's, Newfoundland, likes chat rooms instead. “They give you an opportunity to get to know the person at your own pace. If you go to an Internet dating site, most are out for either just daily cyber-intimacy or some other form of early commitment.” He also suspects that chat rooms, being more public, are safer than Internet dating sites.

That said, there are some dating sites geared specifically toward people with disabilities. Googling “disabled dating” will bring up many of these sites, such as one Rochon uses, www.whispers4u.com, where you can post your profile, search the user database, upload your photo and use the “flirt facility” for free. (A fee is charged to use other features if you're a male.) As on many other disability dating sites, able-bodied people who are open to meeting people with disabilities are welcome.

However, according to Lisa Shaw and Tracey Fofter, who run a video-based friendship and dating service for people with disabilities in Calgary, Alberta, all of their members have expressed interest in a dating service for people with disabilities only. They hope to start an Internet dating site and chat room through their website, www.makeaconnection.4t.com.

But Rochon and Lucas, whose disabilities are obvious in the photos they have placed with their Internet dating site ads, have both had successful relationships with able-bodied people they've met online.

“Love can happen in many shapes, ways or channels,” says Lucas. “I try very hard not to walk into any situation with any expectations, and Internet dating is the same. I found a lot of lonely people who had interesting lives. Because many in the online community had been dismissed emotionally, it was refreshing to chat with other people with similar trust and respect issues.” Still, Lucas cautions people with disabilities to meet in a public place, such as a coffee shop with an automatic door, at the first meeting, and beware of people who insist on meeting at your home.

Anne Abbott found happiness with her able-bodied partner, online disc jockey Rob Warenda, whom she met through the Free Access Network in the late 1980s. “She never told me she had a disability, and we started chatting,” says Warenda. “She was worried I'd be scared off.”

Abbott agrees. “I had many bad experiences with guys not understanding that just because I have cerebral palsy it doesn't mean I am not a regular person.”

They agreed to meet one another, and a week before that date, Abbott told Warenda there was something she needed to tell him. But Warenda already suspected she might have a disability, because she kept using the message board instead of chatting online, as her disability slowed down her typing.

Abbott met Warenda in a coffee shop, bringing her friend and mother along for safety's sake (though she confesses she didn't feel vulnerable – she believed Warenda was a good guy after having gotten to know him well online). And, he says, “I got to know her enough before I found out she had a disability.” They dated, and married nine years ago. Now when Abbott uses her Bliss board to communicate, Warenda sometimes finishes her sentences.

Chatting online, says Abbott, is great because “it's like a big party and gradually you make friends. It's fun because you can chat to a group of people –”

“ – and not mess up your house,” says Warenda. Abbott laughs, adding, “Have fun, but be cautious.”

(Anna Quon is a freelance writer living in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia.)